“My dinner tonight is an apple and whatever alcohol I drink.”
“Remember when Mel’s identity was stolen and they made his credit score better?”
“You know what’s really hard to have sex to? Family Guy.”
“As someone who’s white and middle class, let’s face it, things will probably fall into place for me.”
“That’s what adulthood is all about: whatever you used to feel good about is ruined.”
I wish I could attach a smell to this photo.
Wet desert is the best smell.
group text: send me pictures of your faces. i have nothing planned for six hours and want to draw some shitty portraits.
“I FUCKING HATE BANANAS. I AM SO SICK OF TRYING TO LIVE MY LIFE AROUND THEM”
“I’m not judging you, I’m just describing you.”
“When it comes to food I prefer quantity over quality.”
CAMERON: I’m going to make myself throw up.
ME: Please close the door.
CAMERON: No! I want you to hear my pain!
“If you don’t have a lesbian relationship with Alicia I’mma lock it down.”
ME: We have to leave at 8.
CAM: I thought it was 9!?
ME: No, 8.
“This is so fun! Eating in a tank top! On a boat!”
“It’s awfully thick. Oh my god, it’s so hard. Feel how hard it is! Why are you laughing? Oh. It is a really hard cheesecake though.”
“I’m about to eat a peach, do you want to watch? It’s gonna get wet in here.”
“You and I are a dying breed, Nicole. People these days just don’t like taking shots anymore.”
“The initial taste is ‘I’mma skin this coon’. It’s a little Bass Pro Shop.”
(on Newcastle Brown Ale)
CAM: Sorry for calling you a bitch.
ME: You didn’t call me a bitch.
ME: You were thinking it, weren’t you.
CAM: Yeah (slowly closes door)
“Smart corgis are actually smarter than most dumb people.”
“That’s what love is. You hire someone to be your nanny and then you shit yourself.”
“Straight men are more dangerous than gay men because they’re bad people.”
“Because we both love Firefly we could totally make out or make love and it wouldn’t be weird.”
- Anonymous (out of respect)
“Is pink green? No, no, you’re right. Pink is pink.”
ME: What is “Girls”?
SHAUN: Well, when a boy is born wrong…
SHAUN: It’s called a F.U.P.A. Fat Upper Pubic Area.
BEN: Men have that too. Fat Pad Around the Penis.
chuy and olive
boston terrier dog friends
please shut the fuck up
KYLE A: “I’m not racist, I’m just… afraid.”
CAMERON: “The guy I’m not dating is cheating on me!”
LANIE (ON THE NEW TWILIGHT): “This movie was not the fun time I wanted it to be. It felt like going to a strip club and watching a murder.”
ALICIA: “I only know how to make Sex Eyes at food.”
LANIE: “I wish we were talking over the internet so I could respond in GIFs.”
BENJAMIN: “It’s not the gin on the outside that matters, it’s the gin on the inside that matters.”
ME: I love this juice.
KENDRA: It’s kosher.
JALEX: So it’s Jewce.
ALICIA: “You’re not best friends with that dog! Don’t talk to that dog.”
Yesterday morning, just a few weeks shy of a century, my favorite 99-year-old checked out; her last advice to me being “pallor and paint make you what you ain’t”. I was lucky enough to brunch with her last week where she bathed me in compliments, lightly slapped me across the face for second guessing myself, and explained to me the things she would to to Jon Stewart if only she were a few decades younger. She was the best, and when I get past my selfishness of wanting her around, I couldn’t be happier for her that she finally got what she wanted: death before 100.
BEN: Everyone wants to cry and eat melons in front of you. Literally everyone wants to do this.
ME: You’ve taken a poll?
BEN: No, it’s just an innate thing. Like the desire to seek shelter or enjoy music. I understand human nature.
(my excuse for staying in that night wasn’t satisfactory)
BEN: And with his last breath the cowboy whispered in the ear of his lover, “I need to respond to some emails” and then died.
ME: Oh hey, look, the North star.
BEN: My North star is Kyle. I’ve got my own gay North star, I don’t need yours.
BEN: Ew, don’t re-use sexts. I’ll get you some fresh ones.
BEN: I’ve stared into goat eyes for like 1% of my life.
BEN: Puppy penis. Puppy penis puppy penis puppy penis. It’s like poetry.
ALICIA: Ben, I think you’re my Yoda.
BEN: A bog creature. A drunken zen master… (smiles) yeah.
BEN: I’m like Rosa Parks and you’re that racist bus driver.
Andy. I don’t want to be this.