You would have been the youngest cousin if you had gone to the funeral. (We...– An e-mail from my dad. Sam is adopted and recently appeared on the reality show Baby Borrowers. Of course he doesn’t count.
Playing Mario Kart with Shawn is so stressful. But I love the synchronized head turn at the end after the rape threat.
Last Friday my dad sent me an email announcing the death of my grandma. Two and a half minutes later he forwarded me one of those videos that screams at you. Also, the last memory I have involving my grandma was when I was looking at some of my uncle’s recent pictures of her and I commented on how annoying it was that she couldn’t manage to take a picture without blinking, or having...
Lately whenever I’m drying my hair my mind wanders back to an episode of Full House where D.J. has to choose between rich, nerdy Nelson and cool, permed Viper. That’s it. That’s the end of this story.
I’d never buy my girl a watch… she’s already got a clock over...– Charles Barkley
Man, everything gets blamed on the Clintons, every single thing in this world. I...– Charles Barkley
Jesus hates sinners, abortion kills babies, etc
uglysound: A flock of elderly men and women held an abortion protest across the street from work today. It was the most delightful part of my day. Once they realized we didn’t have a public restroom they started to leave one by one. I think Jesus would have wanted them to pee in their pants and stay committed to the cause. Dulce, you are the sunshine that lights my heart within. Why you...
If I have to listen to one more bridesmaid tear up while reading Corinthians 13:4-7 I’m going to fucking lose it.
grocery bag girl update:
I bring my own canvas bags (so I can feel superior to the other shoppers) and today she first bagged everything in plastic, then put them in the canvas bags. After she’d filled the canvas bags, she started double lining the plastic. A four pack of lightbulbs doesn’t need to be double bagged. Now I have 3x the normal amount of plastic bags of any other shopper. This isn’t just her...
I like her hair. I wonder if the carpet matches her pubes.– Sir Paul Rudd
Cameron tags me in a fake picture on Facebook and the next time I look up at my gmail tab I have 32 new comment notifications in my inbox. Are all of you together, drunk and on laptops? Is that how fraternities work? while typing this I got six more.
Promises are for liars, pet. JUICE THE TRUTH. Never gamble with the produce...– Fictional Karl Lagerfeld
There’s a bag/cart girl at the grocery store I go to who I’m developing a problem with. I don’t know why, but for some reason I’m inexplicably polite to anyone who works there. Maybe it’s pity because working under bad lighting and radio playlists that still include Nickleback for 8 hours seems like one of the lower levels of hell, or maybe it’s that I’m...
Me: You're an embarrassment.
Britt: My hand is so close to your glasses right now. I'm going to get my hand all over your lenses. WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?
This is Harry Merry’s message for Gorba after his mind rapingly terrifying show at the Trunk Space. The memory card filled up but we let him keep talking.